Day 29: Noise

Silence. From the moment I woke I felt it. I am afraid of it, yet at times I’d like to stay in it forever. Like a warm pool I could sink deeper and deeper into it. Silence, I would never have to speak again. I could cut off from the world. If I wouldn’t have to say anything I felt I would never hurt anyone. I could go unnoticed and yet…. to cut ones tongue, is to cut ones life.

But here I am; another day, another blog. I had promised myself I would write everyday, that I would go beyond, and be fearless. But as I try to find my way along this path, the forest around me seems to get thicker and darker. I am afraid of what’s around the corner. I’m sure there must be light at the end of the tunnel but I must accept that there may not be, or maybe it’s my perception I must change. It could be that my focusing on the darkness is creating my fear, and if I could just recognize this then everything would be better.

I have always been afraid of the countryside. Especially at night, but I’m even afraid in the day. I prefer densely populated places, because my biggest fear is someone coming after me and no one hearing my screams. And yet I desire to be quiet?… None of this makes sense!

When I was a child I would be awoken by my mothers TV set blaring in the night. As soon as I would get up and turn it off she’d wake up, “Mom, it’s too loud” I would say, then she’d turn on her radio and roll back over. I could never understand, at the time, why she always had something blaring while she slept, but now I understand how good it must have felt to block out all the thoughts.

I get ready to step into the silence, there will be no words to protect me, to shoo away unwanted thoughts coming at me. I enter into it and I realize this is not the silence I knew before. The silence I had grown up with was like the calm before the storm, so many unrecognized emotions sitting just under the horizon waiting to burst out. Now this silence that I allow myself to sit in is like the opening into water as you dive in and then there is nothing, no sound, stillness, and I am surrounded in what I can only describe as; peace. There is nothing to do, but be. I sit there for a while and soak it in. There is no suppression here just all encompassing love and no thoughts to say I do not deserve it. And so I am…29

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