Well, when I set out on this journey 40 days ago, I had no idea where it would lead me. I hadn’t expected it to be as difficult as it sometimes was. I had thought that I was much closer to actually loving myself than I discovered. I felt shameful of this at times, because of the nature of my work, to help people transform their lives, I feel that I’m supposed to have it all together, to have the answers. However, in my shame I was able to meet my ego head on, and stop so many of the voices that it creates; fear, anger, worry, regret, resentment, guilt and shame. Do I have more work to do? Yes, because ultimately it’s a journey, not a destination.
What I notice after these 40 days, is a huge change inside myself. I feel calmer, more peaceful and more loving towards myself. I see it’s about accepting who I am, where I come from, and loving those ideas rather than make excuses for them. I see I’ve been wanting to be a rose, when maybe I’m daisy or some other beautiful flower. I know it’s about loving my differences and seeing the magic in them rather than the oddness or “difference” of them.
One of the most important things I discovered was to be able to open up to strangers, to let go and to see that the response I had anticipated and feared was not the reality. Instead I found people loving and kind. I recognized that I have something valuable to share not because of any ‘special’ talents, like singing or being psychic, but just because I wanted to be open and honestly share my journey. This has taught me humility and the ability to truly see people in the understanding that we are all one. I always do this in my work or when I sit back and take time to reflect, but now I feel that I am in constant awareness of who we are.
I feel so many changes since I began. One funny thing is that I no longer cry when I’m chopping onions! I guess I’m not afraid of peeling back the layers. I feel a greater understanding of myself and others.
As for acceptance, I’m still working on it. I have to accept my own limitations as well as those of others. This has been the most difficult thing for me to accept. I hold the deep belief that we can all achieve the very best, and become disappointed when I see people not being the light that they truly are. But I know that this is just a judgment on my part. I have to accept that one step is the best they can do in that moment. I have to accept that about myself too, and let go of the harsh task master who yells “better, stronger, better, stronger.” I must make way for the more gentle and kind friend who tells me that it’s all good and it’s all perfect however it is now. If I did that, there would be no more worries along the journey and a more joyful experience of what is.
So, as I move into a new space, I say thanks to everyone who has been kind enough to help me on my journey. I look forward to more and going into the unknown on our travels to southeast asia.