From the moment we take our first breath in this world, life is both wonderful and exciting. We inhale our first breath without being aware that we’re breathing by ourselves. We look back towards our mothers and feel the fear of separation. When will we see her again? When will we touch again? The heart chakra is our energy center inside the body that works to let love in and out. The rhythm of our heart reminds us of the continuous movement in and out, but fear tells us that when we let go… it’s all over. So what to do?
As I am still in a no sleep zone, I passed out this afternoon and fell into a vivid dream. In the dream I was being told in no uncertain terms, LOVE YOURSELF! Whoever was speaking to me was very clear and strong, “You are not loved because you are beautiful, or wealthy, or sad, or independent, or smart, or asian, or because you wear green shoes, or because you take the trash out, or because you got all A’s, or anything!!!!! You are just loved!!!!!!! The love comes from inside! So love yourself!!!! So, let me get this straight…I’m loved? I must love myself? “UGGHHH!” I hear them say.
Romantic love is a fallacy, the fairytale love that we are looking for is right inside us, and when we have it we can share it with others. So begins the richness of our life! I am seeing and experiencing things so differently since I have started this blog. I see how much more open I am with others and willing to receive their love instead of closing off from it. I am keenly aware now, how my deep hurt inside had closed me off from creating deep and lasting relationships with others. I have always know this on an intellectual level but by delving into the emotional baggage, I have been able to change my feelings about it. My loving myself, has helped me to see that, I had believed that I had been rejected by my parents. I mean who wouldn’t? You’re in this lovely warm womb filled with everything you need, and Bam! You’re kicked out with no notice! It’s unfair. I mean, I think we should at least get some warning, more than just some contractions! Maybe like a snooze alarm so we could slowly get ourselves moving.
I am experiencing a beautiful love that fully let’s me live and be close to my friends and family without fear of rejection. I have aways had this horrible pattern of not saying good-bye when I leave somewhere. My mother used to do that to me. When I would go to visit her in California, right before I would leave she would create a big argument with me. It was easier to leave in anger, not having to feel the pain of separation. It was so clear that she was doing it and I would think how ridiculous that was, but now I see how I have been doing the same thing. I have been so deathly fearful of people leaving. I have set myself up for it though. I have created it, by believing it’s true, that people can and will leave you.
We are all energy. Energy cannot be destroyed, but it transforms. Whether or not you believe in reincarnation, we have to accept the idea that when someone dies, it’s not that they are leaving, but rather transforming into something else, whether it is the ground they are buried in, and so we become the earth, and the trees and flowers that grow in the earth, and into a bird that eats the fruit, and so on… or into anything else you an imagine, but they never leave, they just change shape.
I feel that now, all the people that I have met and loved are all a part of me and in every word that I write, just like every person who reads this and passes on the message is now connected to me as well. It goes on and on and on, just by changing your perception from death to transformation.
As this 40 day period draws to a close, I had been feeling a sense relief and also panic. Relieved not to have to bear my heart every day, and panic that the sharing is over. But now I am not afraid, because I see this blog go on. I probably won’t write everyday, but at least once a week. So it will continue in a new form or whatever it wants to transform into, a book, a class, a community… who knows, I’m not in control, just flowing in the beauty of it all, knowing I am safe and excited to be here without a worry!