The last 4 nights have been hard in terms of sleeping. All my children as well as myself seem to be having a rough time. Due to the sleep deprivation I find myself being a bit edgy. I have little or no patience with the kids when they’re upset, and at bedtime I’m very impatient if they’re not getting to bed on time.

I have to stop and ask myself what’s going on? I find the answer frustrating, but I must accept it: I’m afraid that something is suddenly going to happen to me or my family. My daughter pointed out a poster on the side of a bus this morning, a picture of a woman laying on the street, her arm and hand bloodied, obviously having been involved in an accident. “Why do they have to put those horrible pictures up?” she asks, and my reply is, “They are trying to remind people to obey the traffic lights and keep pedestrians safe.” As I think about this later, it all ties in with my lack of sleep. I am like the poster; trying to be on guard every second, thinking that my ‘hyper-vigilance’ will keep us all safe, but it’s actually exhausting me, and this is creating pain rather than happiness. People believe that if they’re ‘on it’ nothing bad can happen, but their worrying only brings more worries. It’s the law of attraction, like attracts like. We are all energy, it can’t be denied, and our feelings are energy, so to feel worry is to attract worry. To feel happiness is to attract happiness.

My son has not been a good sleeper since he was conceived. I was always so amazed how, no matter what time it was, if I or someone else touched my belly, he would move and kick. But today I understand why. I’d had 3 consecutive miscarriages before my son, and each time I thought everything would be ok, but then I’d get that funny feeling and Bam! they were dead. During his pregnancy I watched him closely, always making sure he was ok, having scans or proding him to feel him move or kick. Even during the birth, on that stormy night in the black out, I kept begging the mid-wife to check his heartbeat to make sure he was ok. I was waiting for something horrible to happen, and maybe I still am. The other night he fell off his stroller as he was climbing on it, and split open his chin. A pretty big gash, but he was ok. Later that night I had a dream; I was in Cambodia with my 2 daughters and got caught up talking to a monk, my girls ran on ahead and by the time I reached them, they had been kidnapped and taken off to China as child slaves. In the dream, I had to accept that this happened and that there was nothing I could do about it but concentrate on them being returned safely. We are going to Cambodia soon and I thought  maybe this was a sign not to go. Now, however I think it was a sign telling me that I need to relax and focus on positive things happening. We lived in Thailand for 2 years and I never felt safer in my life, and the Cambodians are meant to be even nicer than the Thai people (if that is possible). I have 2 choices, either remain a control freak and believe that I can stop things from happening by anticipating them first, thereby being in control of what happens, or change my pattern of thinking to more positive thoughts like, “I am always safe and taken care of,” or “joyous and wondrous things are always happening.”

So on that note, I went for a massage today. Yes, I actually took some time for myself, and yes, I did feel a bit guilty about it. When I called my husband (I was actually going to lie, but then I knew I would write about it and he would read it in my blog), he jokingly jibed me about taking time for myself. I went to a place I know in Chinatown, and asked for the person I’d seen before. He wasn’t there but they assured me all their people were good. I stopped for a moment and then gave way to life, and thought, “Sure, it will be ok,” and it was incredible! Even better than the last time, or maybe just what I needed. As my masseur gave me a foot massage he commented, “You haven’t been sleeping, have you?” “No!” I replied, “How could you tell?” He points to an area on my foot that he could tell was tender and he told me “It’s coming from your heart. You need to open your heart and let go.” Never a truer word spoken! That’s what I’ve been trying to do!

As I left the massage place, I felt lighter and happier and repeated my mantra, “Joyous and wondrous things are always happening.” In Chinatown I picked up some nice soup for myself and wontons for my son. I stopped in Little Italy to get Parma ham for my daughters and they gave me a huge extra piece for myself. Since I had a lot of groceries I treated myself to a taxi home. On the way, the driver asked me if I knew somewhere he could buy a phone charger that plugs into the car. I told him there was one up the road and I would gladly jump out and grab him one. At first he says he doesn’t want to take time away from me, but I assure him it’s no problem, (I do think in that moment that my husband will be wondering where I am, but then dismiss it, knowing that it’s only my fear talking. Even if my husband were upset, it’s his issue not mine). So we stop, I get out, take the man’s phone with me to make sure I get the right cable, and after 5 minutes I return with what he needs. When we arrive at my building, he stops and says, “I have to tell you no-one has ever done that for me. No passenger has ever gone out of their way for me. I can’t tell you how you’ve made my day.” He’d made my day. He’d shown me how loving and caring for myself really does change the world.

On days when my mother was happy there was pure joy in the house. When she had time for us it filled  our hearts with joy. On other days when she was exhausted from her persistent insomnia (caused by her intense fear of not feeling she could take care of us all), our home was filled with despair. How could she be there for us when she was so exhausted from her lack of self-love? She felt all alone and believed that as a woman she was unimportant. I thought about that today, how hard I work to prove my worth as a mother, to prove myself as a woman in a world run by men! Why did I dream about my daughters but not my son being kidnapped and taken off to be a child slave? Why did I see that poster this morning of a woman (not a man) being knocked over and hurt? What I take from this is not to be afraid, but to slow down! Take time for myself, know I have the right to be here and let go of proving I have the right to exist.

When we relax we can fall into our hearts and know the true value of ourselves and others, rather than trying to do so much so quickly to ‘show’ what we’ve accomplished and to prove our worth, which just stresses us all out! So I’ll just sit back, relax and spread the love. My children will be happier for it!

with love,

Oskar