Day 35: The gift

I try to see everything in life as a gift. I might not understand it right away, but I know it’s there for the taking, if I can see life’s every turn in a positive light. My clients ask me, “Oskar, what’s the gift in this? I know you say there’s always a gift, so what’s the gift?” It makes me laugh every time they ask me this, and it’s so rewarding when they see the true gift that underlies every challenging situation.

Today was not a particularly happy day for me, just feeling kinda blue. There had been a lot going on for me, and then my son had a bad night which meant a lot of sleep got un-slept. I didn’t even feel like writing my blog, and wanted to stop altogether. I thought something must not be working if I’m not feeling so good, but my higher self came to the rescue and told me, “You’re probably about to have a breakthrough.”

It was true, I had the breakthrough while speaking to a client. I was telling her how well she’s doing, and how far she has come since I first met her. She told me that I had helped her so much, and in that moment I just allowed myself to accept this. In the same moment I realized how unbelievably hard it is for me to accept the good in me. I have such an easy time accepting the ‘bad’ in me, as we all do, but to see my beauty…Yikes!

I’ve been following a blog called ‘Stone City Blog’ written by prison inmates. I discovered their blog after they found mine, and I have been intrigued and enlighten by their words ever since. There are several inmates who contribute, but the main person is a man who went to prison 26 years ago, at the age of 16, for murder. His insights and understanding are beautifully expressed in the blog. I don’t believe in coincidence and the fact that a prison blog came my way… well, the irony was not lost on me. It parallels the prison I have created in my own mind.

The other day he wrote about the fact that he will soon be released, and how difficult that will be for him, not having any ‘skills’ or much awareness of how the world outside has changed since 1988. He has written a lot about forgiveness, forgiveness for others who left him for dead, and forgiveness for the crime he committed, but he knows that ultimately the forgiveness must come from within.

It came to me what a gift this murder had been. I imagined if I had been the person this man had killed, and then he went on to create forgiveness, beauty and love in the world, by sharing the insights and wisdom he has learned on his life’s journey, then my life would not have been in vain, but would shine through his. In our higher purpose I would have been honored to have given my life in order for this man to help others know their true worth. I believe that deep inside we all have a gift to share with others, which can help them to find their true light, which they can then pass on to others. People have expectations of how a teacher should appear, but there are many teachers in this world who come in all shapes, sizes and guises, and don’t always appear how we would expect. My mother’s anger and outbursts towards me taught me to be an extremely kind and patient mother, it’s not how I would have expected to learn this, but it was a great lesson.

My deepest pain and my deepest regret is how I have hurt other people. I punish myself enormously for this. So today, I see how my self-punishment does not recognize the true beauty of others and the gift they have given me. By going forward and shining my light, I bring everyone with me and shine their light through my own. I thank them and honor them by not letting my hurt, or the pain I caused them to have been in vain.

with love,

Oskar

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