Today I could definitely feel some sort of change happening. I was aware of the presence of Silence, whom I had met yesterday, still with me. When I tried to get into that thinking space that can overtake the mind, silence would wash over me and the thought was gone. One part of me was comfortable to feel like this, but another was frustrated with my ‘lack of thinking’ or more precisely, worrying about not ‘being in control’ of what was happening! It was almost like my brain had fallen asleep, and although I liked it I felt a bit of panic that nothing was happening (like I’d let go of the steering wheel while driving down the highway). But the reality is that I do not control my life by worrying and trying to be in control of everything, but through the way I feel about things.
I have grown up with worry. My mother worried about everything. She worried so much that she would constantly talk to herself out loud, “Mom, are you talking to me?” “No” she’d reply, “I’m just talking to myself”. She could’t let anything go until she found a solution that worked for her; this could go on for months or years! I thought this was normal, most people I met worried, so what’s wrong with it?
But throughout life I’ve been presented with situations where I would just think of something I’d like to happen, and then it would happen. But I didn’t give this much thought, as I was still under the impression that worry was the best policy in order to keep myself safe, and I didn’t know yet that my thoughts had anything to do with what was happening in my life. I truly believed that life just happened, and the only thing I could do was to try to keep myself safe from anything bad happening. Although, when you are trying to stop something from happening, things can get a bit tricky because life is gonna keep on happening with or without you.
It would be a few more years before I understood that I could really create my own life, and that I would need to be aware of what I was really asking for; I had to become deeply aware of my inner thoughts. I have since created many more things in my life just by asking. Like the time I was trying to explain this concept to my husband and kids. I said to them that somehow I was going to get a bag of mangos. I didn’t know how or where but I knew it would come. My husband just rolled his eyes, but my kids were excited. So later that day my husband was out running errands and he decided he would stop and get some smoothies for the girls. He ordered, paid, got the smoothies and headed to the door. As he started to open the door, the owner of the shop ran over to him, and said, “wait!” and handed him a bag of mangos. My husband was confused and shocked. When he came home he gave me the bag and said, “How did you do this?”. I just replied, “You just ask and let go and let it happen”.
Unfortunately, I have not been able to let go of everything that easy. Mangos wasn’t a life or death situation, so I didn’t feel the need to hold on to it. But, today I became clearly aware that in my worry I have been trying to control the outcome of very choice I make. Even as the idea for this blog entry came to me, I thought, what does this have to do with Love? I had to give way to the idea, and trust that it was the right thing to explore and to write about. My intention was to go on a journey of Love and I must trust that Love knows the way.
When we lived in Thailand, I was driving down a quiet highway on my motorbike. I was taking in the beautiful scenery around and as I approached a bend in the road I suddenly heard a voice in my head telling me to slow down. As I came around the turn, in front of me were about 10 fallen trees lying in the road, but because I had slowed down I was easily able to avoid them. I kept wondering about the voice. Where had it come from? I never heard it again on that road, but each time I would drive along there I began to worry that something would happen and I would slow down before the bend, but nothing ever did happen again.
That voice, whoever or whatever it was, was there keeping me safe. A watchful eye over things I could not see. My mind, however, could not except this explanation, so it sent Worry to keep watch for me, tirelessly reminding me to watch out in case something might happen, when all I needed to do was to let go, to be present and aware. If there was danger, I would know.
We all have that inner voice, which speaks to us to help us be aware of what’s going on, but we disregard it because the world tells us we’re crazy to trust ourselves, and that you have to watch out, and worry where you’re going and what you’re doing. In my experience, time and time again, as long as I keep my head clear, the ideas and information I need to know just flow to me.
So today , I decided to let go of Worry and to give my mind a new job. After all, Worry has gotten me nowhere. Worry didn’t make me a better person. Worry didn’t make my children better when they were sick rather it took my energy away from me that I needed to support them. Worry didn’t make me a better musician, but stopped me from making music all together. Worry made me a selfish person thinking only of my own needs. So, from today my mind has a new job; to see the very best in everything and to focus on the positive rather than worrying. It seems so simple but I know this is life changing. I have done this in many areas of my life already and it is truly life changing, but now to master ‘letting go of worry’ will be unbelievable. This requires a deeper level of trust than I could ever have imagined I could get to, but I must go on because I know it is right.