Day 25: I am powerless

I awoke this morning, as I do most mornings, to my beautiful baby boy asking for his milk. When I look into his eyes I am captivated by this beautiful boy. I am so in love with him, and all I want to do is kiss his cheeks all day long. So I do just that, and as I kiss him the thought arises in me; would I let someone kiss me all day? Would I let someone give me so much love? And the answer, to my dismay was No! No, I could not accept that love.

I am finding that acceptance is a force I am powerless to defeat. I have awoken myself to it, on this journey of love, the journey where I believed that ‘I’ was in control of what would happen, but instead I am finding that I am powerless, I am not in control. That is a hard lesson to take. Being powerful is what we want and giving feels powerful. We are told it is better to give than receive but it is the receiving that is so difficult for all of us. Imagine an anonymous donor giving you a wish you have always dreamed of, how would you truly feel deep inside? Would you believe you deserved it? Would you believe you deserved it just because you are you? Or would you need a reason to feel you deserve it? Would you allow yourself to truly enjoy it? When we go deep enough usually we find we would not allow ourselves to receive it.

I knew that loving myself would be a journey full of bumps and twists, but I was sure the destination would be love. However, the challenge really, is to figure out what love is? Rationally I can accept the concept that everything is love, but I must also accept this in my heart. I must realize that I have to let go of trying to control, and just allow myself to receive. Then by letting go of being powerful I become nothing, and in nothing I become everything.

Feelings are something we have been taught to get rid of. When children cry they are either told to be quiet or are given something to make them feel better. As we grow up we continue this pattern and therefore never learn to just sit with our feelings. We either shut down, or look for a distraction to take our minds off of the pain, but it is only through feeling our feelings that we can find the gift in every situation. Love says; Every situation whether we are comfortable with it or not, is a gift of love.

So tonight I was presented with a situation, a gift. My daughter had made a gift to bring to a friends house which was forgotten and left behind at home. She was angry and upset because she had put so much time into making it and was disappointed not to be able to share her gift. Before I had come to know acceptance I would have been patient with her but would have tried to get her to see the bright side or move on to something else, and if I couldn’t get her happy I would be angry with myself that I had not helped her, but instead, today I let go of talking and just sat there with her in her pain. I simply accepted her disappointment, and accepted the situation that she was upset instead of trying to fix it. As I did, I felt an inner peace flow through me. I was not concerned with how long it might take her to ‘get over’ this, and just stayed present with her in the moment.

Being with my daughter through this experience was a gift, both in that moment and also on a bigger scale. I recognized that by being present and compassionate to her in her pain I had done the same for myself. The situation was a gift not because the outcome was positive for me but simply because I was there, regardless of the outcome.

We understand the idea ‘we are all one’ more deeply when we realize that while we sit and remain present with someones pain we sit with our own. The same happens in this blog; by chronicling my experience of loving myself a reader comes on the journey with me, experiencing the same insights and discoveries that I uncover. Healing oneself is healing the world. Loving oneself is loving the world.24

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