My mind is spinning today and I can’t seem to sit and meditate. Since I started this blog I don’t want to sit and meditate. What is stopping me? Or why do I stop myself? I was meant to meet a friend for coffee this morning but she never got in touch. Then another friend whom I had already arranged to meet at the weekend said that she was pretty sure she was free. This is the day nobody wanted to commit! Whenever I’m presented in this way with several versions of the same scenario, I have to accept that the universe is trying to tell me something. What is it I want to see and learn about myself? Commitment and connection go hand in hand. They are so deeply intertwined you can’t have one without the other. I have committed to doing this blog and I am finding this connection with myself difficult. All relationships are our mirrors. Both interactions with my friends today are mirroring how I am feeling about myself. The notion that we are all separate from each other is only an illusion. There is no separation, we are all connected. Just like everything else in this universe we are all made up of very tiny molecules vibrating with energy at various frequencies. If we were to bring all the molecules of every living thing down to the same vibration frequency we would no longer be able to distinguish where our own bodies or objects around us begin or end. We would have no awareness of walls or separation because the world would just be a big ocean of energy. This connection is the most natural thing in the world. It is something that cannot be destroyed or altered in anyway. It is always there! But it is only in the mind that we create separation.
So, I must go back to the beginning. We are all created in pleasure (or what is supposed to be pleasure). Nature births us through this canal of pleasure, although sometimes we are not even allowed through it, we are cut and pulled out. So I ask myself why am I not allowing myself the pleasure of connection, the pleasure of life. Why do I continue to punish myself by pushing relationships away? What have I done so wrong? I begin to imagine what must have been going on in my mothers life when I was born. Firstly she had to keep quiet about who my real father was, and at the same time she was planning to leave her husband. Then there were 3 more children at home who also needed love and attention. What time did she have for me? She did not have a large supporting family to help her. She was close with her brother but he had also just had a baby, 4 months before I was born, who due to a lack of oxygen at birth became severely mentally retarded, and my grandparents had just moved to California. My mother must have been overwhelmed and overburdened. On top of that I could not breath when I was born. I had to be kept in an incubator for 6 weeks. During my first 6 weeks I could not be held, I felt separated and was left to self sooth. From the outset I lacked the warmth of connection to assure me that this life is beautiful, and shortly after my arrival there will be even less connection because one parent will be gone, while 4 small children still need love and connection. There will be too many hearts to fill by a mother who cannot give love because she does not love herself.
I sat with this and asked myself ‘so why won’t you allow love’, and my reply was – ‘I’m afraid to loose it’. Love replied ‘how silly you are. How could you loose something you can never be separated from?’