Acceptance… I would love to tell you that I am ok with it but then… I would be lying. And we’ve come this far together. What would be the point. Well maybe if I could lie to you then I wouldn’t have to deal with it myself. I wouldn’t have to deal with my anger and sadness with the cycle of life that continues even with my best efforts to thwart or hide from it. I wouldn’t have to deal with my fear of what might happen and my sadness and sometimes regret of what did. But love is acceptance. Love accepts us no matter what we do or say and in moving towards love I must do the same – accept love in everything and know that !EVERYTHING! is love. I must accept that the people I love will die, that my children will be hurt, that people won’t always get better, that my favorite chocolate bar might be discontinued, that I will die, that my mother will die and hardest all I must accept the things that have happened to me and the choices I have made. These… I think are the hardest of all – my choices and the choices of others. I, like most people, would like to control ever outcome and make it the way I want, not what is. But in order to move forward I know I need to look at these choices and let go. Yes, that’s it let go! Let go into what? I don’t know but I just know I need to let go and then the real change begins. By holding on we re-create every wrong we ever experienced , every failure we ever had and every upset we felt . Letting go means a fresh start and an unknown start. But… I am willing. I can no longer be afraid every time I hear a door open and wonder what will happen if… and then close it. I can no longer be afraid of love and where it wants to take me. I have to trust. I have to trust that no road has been wrong, no choice has been for nothing and no wrong I ever experienced did not have purpose. But without my BFF fear, I think things will be a little smoother and if not at least a whole lot happier. SO… on the eve of my eldest daughters 9th birthday, I promise to stop checking if she is still breathing in the middle of the night and trust that I will see her beautiful face in the morning. As for the other 2, it might take me a little more time…But love will wait there’s no rush.

with love,

Oskar