Day 9: The healing

When I began this blog 9 days ago I knew I was heading into something new. I knew changes were coming and that there would be healing. What kind of healing? You never know, the path to healing is a winding road. I had set out to heal my broken heart, which I had broken over and over again by not loving myself.

So far the changes have been incredible! Back in January I had begun writing a book. It was a project I had been thinking about for 3 years and during that time I had asked over and over again what I should write about. I knew it would have to be a book on healing, but what kind of healing? And then the answer came – I would write about my own healing, about my crazy childhood and how I had survived and come through the other side to appreciate how those experiences were a gift. Easy, right? But after writing for a week my entire body broke out in Psoriasis. It was painful and itchy and burning. “Houston we are having a problem!” my body screamed. I was being forced to wake up to the fact that my pain and my shame was not fully healed. I was at a loss. I had really believed that I had already healed my childhood trauma, but it was now that I needed to go deeper. I was angry with myself that I was not letting go. Yes, my childhood had been painful but it was over – couldn’t I just move on? I could not step out of my anger to see the person there behind the anger who needed to be heard and to be loved. Clearly love was for others but not me. Yes, that was it! I needed to get on the road to love. Throughout the summer I began to treat myself with a little more kindness. I allowed myself to take vacations and enjoy time with my family, instead of just working and taking care of everyone else. The more relaxed I was with myself the more my skin cleared up. By September my skin was looking better. The only part that was still lingering was all over my lower back, chest, stomach. and behind my ears. I seemed to be at a stand still, nothing more was moving and then a few weeks ago I started to notice a little on my face. Only 2 spots, but this was not good for me since I work in healing. What would people think? I couldn’t hide my face! (except if I started to wear a burka) I felt like I was moving backwards, because I had never had it on my face.

Finally, on the morning I began this blog the epiphany came to me – I care too much what other people think of me!!! I was letting it consume me. This negative thought pattern felt so natural and instinctive to me that I had never recognized it before. That’s why writing this blog was so important to me. I needed to force myself to express my feelings without caring what others thought of me. I needed to put myself out in the open, vulnerable and to let go of the fear of being attacked. So, 9 days in and my skin is healing.  The other day while I was dressing my daughter noticed, “Mommy your red dots are almost gone!” I looked in the mirror and to my astonishment it was true. Love was healing me. Who would have thought! But there was more, not only was I healing but I could see changes in my family too. My 6 year old looked in the mirror the other day and I heard her say “Oh my God, I’m so cute!” she ran into the bedroom and asked me, “Mommy have I always been this cute?” “Yes, always.” I said with a smile. “I never knew.”, she said. My husband is also having changes, he is standing up for himself and knowing he has a right to make his voice heard. You can check out his art at http://www.feargaldoyle.com

We are taught to believe that loving yourself is vain and wrong, but by loving ourselves we have more to give and more to share. There is not a single person in the world who does not have purpose in this life. Everyone is a beautiful star shining their light through the darkness. When we forget to love ourselves our light begins to dim and we forget how bright and joyful the world really is . Our light can never be extinguished, it still shines like the stars above us even when we die. So shine your light today! The world needs you! To heal the world we only need to love ourselves, and what’s not to love!

with love,

Oskar9

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