I am awoken this morning by my daughter putting coins into my hand. My first thought – Change!! It’s day 7, things are changing I can feel it. The fact that I’m still writing this blog is proof enough, because as much as it seems I’m an extrovert, the truth is I’m a big ol’ chicken introvert (except when I’m angry) .
My anger has always been my protector. When I get mad I say something mean and horrible and ‘Voila’! – everyone disappears. It seems like a great idea at the time, but afterwards I’m filled with regret and remorse and I’m back to being the worst person in the world – unworthy of love. The amount of opportunities I’ve destroyed over the years is insane! If I had seen this early on I might have had the music career I dreamed about rather then the one I experienced. But I must use that lost opportunity as a gift to understanding how to change.
Today I begin to feel an inner peace that I’ve previously only experienced in meditation. Rather than my feelings being dictated by what is happening around me, as is usually the case, I am experiencing feelings of true inner joy. As I begin to notice this more and more the thought pops into my head; “I’m not even worried about something bad happening to me”, which is usually what happens when things start to go well, because my inner task master likes to re-enforce the idea that I don’t deserve it. But this time I am watching and love is on my side.
A few hours pass and there is my old friend Shame, trying to put me in my place. But I’m ready, I’m not afraid. I know Shame wants to talk about old times; my mother’s outbursts and abuse, my shameful childhood and a million other painful memories, but I don’t engage. Instead, I remain present, I enjoy my children and husband and our lovely dinner. I share in laughter with my kids and I focus on my beautiful home and the life I have in this moment. Like a climber on a cliff edge I know it’s crucial to stay focused, I don’t want to fall again. I even take 20 minutes for myself instead of doing the dishes right away – that’s huge for me! Soon I feel calm again. Shame is nowhere to be found! I’m back with my feet on the ground accepting the love that’s all around me.