I am only now beginning to realize that by writing this blog I am inviting change into my life. “Yes”, you say! “That’s what we’ve been talking about for 5 days now”, but talking change, and actually transitioning into something more, well that’s scary!!! And the scary part is, it’s so unconscious! I could feel it this morning, something stirring inside. The quiet before the storm. It was hard to sit still, then suddenly I felt the need to go through every closet and purge – purge everything. I became overwhelmed with everything in sight. I began to go through my daughters wardrobe. Sifting through her clothes I wanted to give everything away, but then everything seemed so precious, like her shirt that came from the children’s clothes shop I used to own. How could I give that away (even though she doesn’t wear it anymore)? Am I ready to let go of my shop? And her shorts we had made in Thailand when we lived there. She had worn them to bits. Our 2 years there were amazing, how could I let them go! I shoved back everything back in the closet and closed the door. We had to leave, we were going upstate for the day, my madness would have to wait. But madness doesn’t wait it just moves on to the next thing.

My children were freaking out about having to go upstate. They had decided it was unfair and one sided that we were going when they didn’t want to go. But they had never been there, it was an adventure, it would be beautiful and fun. They didn’t agree but reluctantly came along, since really… they had no choice. This is not something new. Each time we embark on a car journey somewhere new, the girls get very nervous and without fail throw up on the way. Today was no different. What was different was the understanding that not only are they having a hard time transitioning into the unknown but so am I, so are we all.

Change used to be something I thrived on. It was wonderful, invigorating, exciting! I was the person who could pack a bag in 20 minutes and be off with no regrets, no fear. BUT, I had nothing to lose back then. After all it was only me, and me getting lost didn’t matter, in fact losing me would be a bonus if it happened! However, now the stakes are higher because I have a beautiful family and I don’t want any of that to change. I know that loving myself sometimes means taking time for myself, by myself, away from my family, but I think it doesn’t always have to be that way – loving myself or loving them – Does it? Or is that’s just how it feels right now, and that’s when I wonder if transition is my friend or foe. I’ve been at this door many times but never walked through. I’d rather someone go first and let me know what happens, but this time I’ve agreed to go first.

Really, I guess, just like my children, I have no choice. You cannot truly live your life without love and so I must go, get in the car, car sickness or not, and see what happens. I must embrace change, make friends with it and want to be here on the journey even when I’m afraid.