Day 5: Guilt brings shame to haunt me

I am beginning to notice shifts in my being that I had previously accepted to be true (in theory) but never truly knew in my heart. It is a strange but wonderful feeling to begin to embody the practice that I have know is possible but have not yet been able to grasp on a more tactile level. I am amazed by my feelings towards myself today that were not there before, for example, I sent an email to someone today whom I normally wouldn’t even dream of reaching out to, or rather I would dream it but never take action on it. Today I sent the email from a completely different place. Today I thought “Wow, what a lovely person. I would love to get to know her better. I’ll ask her for coffee.” A few days ago I would have thought, “Wow, she’s so lovely. I’d love to get to know her better but she would be offended if I asked her to go for a coffee.” My perspective is changing. I am beginning to see Oskar with other eyes. Eyes without judgment. And in it I am beginning to see someone who is kind,loving, funny, caring and always growing. I am seeing clearly how hard I have been on myself and now I am not as “focused” on what I am doing WRONG! The perception has changed from watching my every move to a place of awareness that is watching what I think about what I am doing. From that place I have been able to recognize that the voice that I have been listening to is wrong and crazy!! It was fear. I can see how it has distorted my vision and the insanity it has created all these years.

But although I would love to end this journey now and be over with it in 5 days, I know it is not even close. I still struggle to write this blog wanting to fall into the arms of sleep and drift away and never come back pretending this was all a dream but I must keep going, not letting my eyes close. But I know that guilt has a secret agent that follows me waiting for the moment I become weary and then pounces. It’s secret agent shame, and shame reminds me of what I have been hiding all these years and promises to tell the world if I don’t do what it says – SHUT UP!!! In my courtship with love I have become more open, more vulnerable and more open to allowing for something good to happen. Like tonight, we were invited to a wonderful friend’s home for dinner to share in a lovely evening with friends. It is something we so rarely do, so it was very special to be there and enjoy the love. While in conversation I asked if I could borrow my friend’s car. They agreed to lend it to us, but then our other friend commented that she would never ask someone a question like that, feeling that she would be putting them in an awkward position. The owner of the car said he didn’t feel that way about it and a conversation ensued about it. Everyone agreed that it was fine that I had asked, but shame and guilt swooped down on me and my mind began to spin into that place that I had thought I had escaped. I could feel the voices, “I was the worst person ever!” and punishment would soon come. Maybe I even hoped it would soon and get it over with, to remind me to get back into my hole and stay there. Shortly after this conversation, I noticed my stomach feeling full and immensely uncomfortable, my food completely undigested. I knew it wasn’t the food because I had felt the same way the night before after having a beautiful meal out with a friend who had treated me for my birthday. I just won’t let love nourish me.

But even after all this I know all is not lost, and that I have not regressed but rather I am just going through something very deep that will take more then a minute to get to. (Even though I wish I could!) What I do know to be true is that if I keep going, keep staying in the awareness, I will find love and punishment, shame, guilt, regret and all the rest will be but a dim memory. So I shall keep going and remember that love is waiting.5

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