Day 4: Hello guilt

So here I was getting to know love and enjoying the gifts it’s been giving when suddenly I was caught by guilt and brought in for punishment. I went out last night to a lovely dinner with a client and her husband. Yes, a night out in a nice restaurant away from motherhood, away from taking care of anyone but me. I got home late and was awoken twice in the night by my little one and did not go back to bed easily. By 7 I was exhausted and did not want to take the kids to school. My husband reluctantly said he would take them and commented that he would have no time for himself today. In my guilt and shame I said I would take them knowing that I would be exhausted for work but the feelings of how horrible I am had taken over. My husband retracted his statement and took the kids. I immediately got into bed and fell fast asleep. I awoke from my nap and went straight to work and worked without a break. Food flew out the window. 3 days of nourishment was over. Punishment was here and I would have nothing. I would suffer for allowing myself love and pleasure the day before. I deserved nothing and needed to prove my worthiness in order to eat again.

It was insanity but I had lived this was for years, but now things are different. In my 40 day program I am forced to look at these actions and start to change. I am forced to look deeper at this idea that I am unworthy of love or that I should be punished for receiving love. What a crazy concept when the truth is we are love. Why would I have to prove I deserve love when I am love. It’s like proving I have a hand to my hand. But I know it’s something we all struggle with, allowing for love. We might blame others for why we aren’t getting it but really it’s us. And the crazy thing is there is nothing that we could that would deny us love. We all deserve love!!

The first day I started my program I wrote myself a letter. The letter was this:

Dear Self,

I’m so sorry I betrayed you all these years. I’m sorry I knocked you down told you, you were unloveable and ugly the way you were. I’m sorry I abused you. I’m sorry I never let you have fun. I’m sorry I never let you have your dreams and then beat you for it. I’m sorry I took care of everyone else when you needed me most. I’m sorry I gave you up. I’m sorry I abandoned you to someone else not feeling I could take care of you or how to. But today I am here a new beginning, a new life. You can count on me from this day forward. Please forgive me.

I love you

SO today I broke my promise. But I now see I did it without consciousness and now consciousness brought me back to the truth. Truth helped me understand that I have been living in guilt and punishment always waiting around the corner. So I thanked guilt and punishment for showing me that I was not allowing love and then I set them free. We all have the right to love. It’s just seeing that that can be difficult when we are believing there is something wrong with us. To change our perceptions takes love and strength. We think change means we were wrong but change just means we are growing and experiencing and that is never wrong.

So tomorrow is a whole new day a whole new life, filled with millions of possibilities. I am grateful for this life and grateful for the learning. Thank you for sharing.

with love,

Oskar4

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