I think to myself, ” ok what’s really to write? Let’s just stop this now.” But I know that it is fear that is speaking. Fear who’s been one of my best friends until now. Love who I’m just getting to know is letting me see that fear hasn’t been the friend I needed. Fear hasn’t led me to safety but rather to an enormous amount of pain and suffering for myself and others. Fear lives in the mind not the heart. The mind is cold and not even a place I can physically locate. I mean really, where in the brain is the mind? It’s like calling a computer a person. But love I know lives in the heart. I can feel it’s pulse everywhere. It’s what remind me to wake and breath each day. It’s where one day I will stop and move from this body. The mind, well, if I stop it, all I will feel is peace not an end. So it’s love I will listen to and keep writing. Love will remind me that shame is just a name given by someone else that is also an illusion.
There are subtle changes that start to begin when you stay in the awareness of loving yourself. Like I’m noticing that I’m eating. This seems so benign but eating for me is something I don’t get around too much and yet I’m always hungry. I end up eating quick food like cereal or sweets to keep me going. Toast is also a personal favorite. I find the time making myself food a waste. And yet without this nourishment nothing can happen. But the last 2 days, I find myself sitting and eating. Making time to nourish myself. Remembering that we all deserve to be fed and loved.
I have also met forgiveness in the last couple of days. Fear would remind me that forgiveness is only for others not myself, but since fear and me aren’t getting along so well, I’ve had time to meet forgiveness and recognize that I not only need to forgive myself but I MUST forgive myself. I’m a great forgiver of others, recognizing that what people do is not who they are and comes from a deeper place of not loving themselves. But for me, I never allowed myself the kindness of compassion. But compassion is not for some rather it is for all. And love is teaching me that I am part of the all rather than separate and unworthy, as fear has led me to believe. Love let’s everyone in the door.
I notice too that my words flow easier off the key board. I am becoming less afraid to be seen and heard. I am becoming less concerned with my own safely and more excited to share and possibly inspire others to share their voice. In the confines of my office or an intimate conversation sharing and being open is easy but I am in control of who listens but here on the internet I must let go and allow anyone to see and hear me interpret and think what they want. That is the scariest of all interpretation. miscommunication, distortion or is it really my own distortion of myself. Love is teaching me that I have been getting it wrong all those years. Love is reminding me that I am love.
I also realized today that I spend too much criticizing everything I do instead of seeing what I do DO. I wa astonished to realize I am a woman with 3 young children, running a business and running a household. Now wonder I am so tired. I kept thinking I was;t doing enough and love showed me how much I was doing and how much I wasn’t doing for myself. Now wonder I’m too tired to eat. I have no room in my life for me to eat or to just enjoy. So I am grateful to love for reminding me to sit and enjoy the nourishment of life. And now love reminds me it’s time for bed. SO thank you for sharing with me again.