Day 2 and I’d like to quit

Ok so this should be getting easier. But it’s a bit like sitting down to meditation for the fist time. The first time you sit and try to still your mind you start to hear voices and lots of them! You think you’ve gone crazy but really it’s just that it’s the first time you’ve sat quietly enough to hear the insane conversation going on inside your mind. SO this feels a little like that. This loving myself, the awareness of it seems to be pushing the tsunami up and out. I can only imagine what tomorrow may bring. But I must keep going. I knew this would’t be easy and truth be told I’d rather run back inside but the only way out is in.

Today was hectic inside and outside. I was confronted with a situation where normally I would run and hide from my feeling but because I promised myself these 40 days I had to stay present with my feelings instead of pushing them down. I found it comical at one point trying to find a dark corner to cry in when I live in a NYC apartment with 4 other people. In the end I had to sit in the light and cry. I even sought help from my husband, which was big for me. When I stood there crying he said “Can I give you a hug?” “No” I replied. “Why? Are you punishing yourself?” He asked. I gave it thought and replied “yes”. He came over and hugged me anyway.  It was my go to. My punishment for not being perfect. My pushing away love because I felt I didn’t deserve it. But even though I felt the feeling I allowed for love anyway. I asked for help, and let him give me the hug. This was big for me. And as the day went on I remembered that forgiveness would set me free.

I was reminded of a story of a Zen master that was very popular in the Village. Everyone sought out his advice and he was admired for his wisdom. Then one day a young woman in the village became pregnant and she told her parents it was the Zen Master’s baby. All the villagers in the town became angry and no one went to see the Zen Master any more. When the baby was born the parents of the woman brought the baby to the Zen Master and told him he must take care of his child. He took the baby without a word to the parents and lovingly took care of it. Eight months later the woman admitted to her parents who the father really was. The parents went to the Zen Master and took back the baby. Again he said nothing. Within days the villagers were back seeking advice from the master. The lesson of the story is that life will come and go but what will always be is the love inside of us. When we worry what others think we are at the mercy of their thoughts and actions. When we are loving ourselves there is no fluctuation and no fear of what will be.

Today I found no time to meditate but what I did find was a Me more willing to stay in the moment. (hence the crying) A Me willing to write blog number 2. A Me willing to go forward rather then run and hide. And a Me who realizes that the process is not always going to be easy but that the goal is to be in the process.

with love,

Oskar2

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