Day 1 of loving myself

I am a transformational energy coach. What is that? Well, I help people change the beliefs they are holding on to (on an energetic level) which then translates into changes effecting everything they do in their lives. The source of all of our problems is our lack of self love. This can be hard to accept, but when we are honest with ourselves we see how true it is. When we are truly loving ourselves we at one with the universe. We understand and we feel how we are connected with everything and everyone, and we understand that we ARE everything – not afraid that we are nothing.

This morning as I got into the elevator I saw one of my neighbors. I ask him if he was loving himself today. His response:  “That’s a hard one – to love yourself.” Another neighbor entered the elevator and I asked him the same question. “I’m liking myself. That’s as far as I can get today,” he said with his eyes looking towards the ground. But isn’t that all of us? When I look at these people I think, “what’s not to love?” I don’t know them intimately but what I do know is lovely and I am sure if I did know them intimately I would love them still. No one is perfect. We all fart. It is our dis-ease with ourselves that creates a misalignment in our lives.

It came to me this morning when my son woke me at 4 am, and although he fell right back asleep I did not. But instead of fighting my ‘awakeness’, I decided to use the time to see what I needed to be awakened to. And there it was, the understanding that I was not truly loving myself and needed to put more effort into loving me. How could I be an authentic teacher of love and understanding when I was not fully engaging in the practice. In order to move my clients forward, I need to move myself forward to light the way. SO I decided it was time to do a 40 day practice of loving myself. How will I do this? Well, mostly by simply being in awareness, by being aware of the choices I make in my life and by looking deeper into why I make these choices. Once I look into these decisions and see the belief or trauma I am holding on to, I become powerful to change these beliefs. Then I can make decisions from a place of love – not fear – and create a more connected and loving life.  I hope this journey inspires others and please feel free to start your own program. I would love to hear about it!

So today, day 1!

I am usually very hungry in the morning, but being a mother of 3 children and still being awoken in the night several times by my 2 year old, my tiredness can get in the way of making good choices for myself. But today since it is all about loving myself, I made myself an egg and toast. I sat and took time to nourish myself. Then I took my two older girls to school. Normally I grab a citi-bike – a NYC bike share – and my daughters on their scooters hold on to my bike and we take a lovely ride down the east river to school, 15 minutes and we’re there. But today NO BIKES! I would normally be very upset with myself and punish myself silently (or out loud) for not getting out sooner, but because its Day 1 of loving myself, I just took a deep breath and decided that a cab was our best option to get to school on time. Things were going well, but then the cab came. After jumping in the taxi the driver speed away. The girls commented how they felt like they were on a roller coaster. I felt that way too and knew it wasn’t a good thing, and that’s when the love went silent. Love told me to speak up and ask the man to slow down, but fear won out over love. Although we got to school safely I knew I needed to come back to that moment and look deeper. That was not the first time I have not spoken up for myself. Not speaking up for myself runs deep with me.

We arrived at school and attended Monday morning meeting, when the whole school meets to come together and share jokes or poems or music to start the week off. I allowed myself to be present at the meeting, taking time with my 6 year old to be there rather then somewhere else in my head. I allowed myself the time to connect and feel part of something rather then keeping myself separate as if I don’t belong. Afterwards I attended a meditation group.

I arrived to meditation aware of any thoughts trying to distract me from taking this time for myself. I was aware of my becoming irritated by some people I had met, but reminded myself that my judgment of those people was only me not loving the part of myself I saw reflected in them. And so I sat there being grateful to those people for showing me the part of me I need to love, which is exactly the part that is having a hard time writing these words and making sure this blog gets out. So I used my meditation to look at this wounded part of me. The part I see as weakness and refuse to love. The weakness that closed down my voice in the taxi, the weakness that I saw reflected in others. The weakness that is really just a wounded child needing some deep love. So on my bike ride home, without prompting, tears began to well in my eyes and I remembered the terror of my childhood, and how I have never stopped to hold that child, to listen to her and to tell her that she is safe now, rather then telling her to shut up all the time.  If I loved myself I would stand up and be counted. So tonight I send out this blog, and tomorrow I go to vote and make a new beginning in letting my voice be heard and hear it’s sweetness rather then it’s awkwardness.

I can see my desire to love myself is already inspiring my family. My 8 year old and my 6 year old – without my prodding – have asked to do the 40 day ‘loving myself’ challenge. And Sami, the 6 year old, asked us to repeat after her at dinner; “I love myself, I take care of myself, I love myself forever and always”. That in itself was inspirational to me to make sure I keep my promise to myself.

with all the love,

Oskar1

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